Retired Stuff (Apocalypse Edition)

Stuff I said when the world was going to end in December 2012

So who thinks the world will end on Friday?
Will you sell me your house on Thursday?

I see we all survived yet another apocalypse
‘Apocalypse’ is a word that isn’t supposed to have a plural
There’s one apocalypse and then you’re done
Not one every year
If we’re going to have an apocalypse every year, let’s make it the same day
So the stores can have ‘end of the world’ sales
And we can plan end of the world parties
Of course, all the caterers will want to be paid in cash up front
And we can decorate for it
Lighted countdown clocks on the roof top
Exploding globes in the yard

Retired Stuff

Stuff I used to say but don’t anymore (ok, maybe I will use it onstage again, but only rarely)

Last time I went to Tiki birds at Disneyland, I noticed Jose, one of the male birds, says he laid an egg.  I never realized there is a transexual Tiki bird.

Anyone else glad the Pope resigned?
How soon before we see his profile on gay hookup sites like Grindr?
“Mature gentleman with a fondness for red Prada shoes
Seeks young clean cut straight acting men for good times, maybe more
Recently retired so plenty of time on my hands
Catholic preferred, Altar boys move to the head of the line
Who’s your Holy Papa?”

A friend of mine left a voice mail for me
“I want you to be the first call I made on my new iPhone”
I texted him back “Silly bear, no one actually talks on an iPhone”

I’m not fat, I’m just carrying an excess of Higgs bosons

So they changed the name of the food court at the mall to “Dining Court”. When did fast food become “dining”?
Will there be food court waiters?
“Hello, I’m your ketchup steward today.”
“And we have a special on a lovely locally bottled cola, vintage Thursday”

One partner has an iPhone, the other has Android – in Silicon Valley that’s called a mixed marriage

I ate a piece of cold pizza while I got dressed this morning. It tasted good in a straight-college-guy sort of way. But now I noticed my shoes don’t match my belt and my shirt is the wrong color for my pants.