Retired Stuff

Stuff I used to say but don’t anymore (ok, maybe I will use it onstage again, but only rarely)

Last time I went to Tiki birds at Disneyland, I noticed Jose, one of the male birds, says he laid an egg.  I never realized there is a transexual Tiki bird.

Anyone else glad the Pope resigned?
How soon before we see his profile on gay hookup sites like Grindr?
“Mature gentleman with a fondness for red Prada shoes
Seeks young clean cut straight acting men for good times, maybe more
Recently retired so plenty of time on my hands
Catholic preferred, Altar boys move to the head of the line
Who’s your Holy Papa?”

A friend of mine left a voice mail for me
“I want you to be the first call I made on my new iPhone”
I texted him back “Silly bear, no one actually talks on an iPhone”

I’m not fat, I’m just carrying an excess of Higgs bosons

So they changed the name of the food court at the mall to “Dining Court”. When did fast food become “dining”?
Will there be food court waiters?
“Hello, I’m your ketchup steward today.”
“And we have a special on a lovely locally bottled cola, vintage Thursday”

One partner has an iPhone, the other has Android – in Silicon Valley that’s called a mixed marriage

I ate a piece of cold pizza while I got dressed this morning. It tasted good in a straight-college-guy sort of way. But now I noticed my shoes don’t match my belt and my shirt is the wrong color for my pants.